If You Think You’re Pretty


When I was 10 the coolest thing around was the roller skating rink. If “coolest” didn’t show my age I’m sure the skating rink bit did, but then again I’m a slightly out of touch on what’s hip with the kids these days, so maybe cool is still cool. I guess I need to have some kids so I can know what’s cool again even though parenthood inevitably makes me uncool with both my friends and kids alike. The skating rink always smelled of stale popcorn and sweaty teenagers, but I loved it. My mom would take me every weekend for months. Until one of the “punk teenagers” pushed her and she broke both her arms, yes both her arms! My father nearly killed the kid, like seriously. You don’t know my dad. Anyway, getting off topic here. I so desperately wanted to be one of the cool pretty girls. I wanted to dress like them and talk like them and be picked first for the couples skate. Unfortunately, I was a frizzy red headed slightly overweight tragically fashion challenged very loud and awkward little girl. Need more of a visual? You know that little girl in a bumble bee outfit tap dancing for like homeless dudes in the “rain” video by Blind Mellon? Yea. Pretty much like that. Look it up, early 90’s, tragic little girl, just like me. What ever happen to them?

Anyway, None the less, try I did, to fit in with the pretty cool girls. One such desperate attempt to be a cool girl was made up of a plaid skirt, knee high socks and a button down shirt. Maybe I was channeling my inner Britney Spears. Anyways, I clang to the only other girl in the rink near my age thinking strength in numbers. She was a foul mouthed too short for her age gum in chewing confident runt. I wasn’t sure where all that confidence was being created in that bite size little body. We skated into the bathroom where the runt pulled out a small bottle of liquid from her even smaller training bra. She held it to her nose and inhaled “want some?” she asked pushing it into my face. It smelled like my dad on a day he forgot to use deodorant and compensated with what he called “foo foo juice”. I wrinkled my nose and turned away to cough saying “Why would I want that? You know that’s men’s cologne, right?”. The runt started rubbing the cologne on her neck laughing at my ignorance “Yea, I know it’s cologne doofus, I like to smell like men have been all over me”. I decided I was OK with not smelling like men had been all over me, that seemed like something I wasn’t cool enough to pull off and people would just think I’d lost a fight with a skunk. The cool older boy that worked Saturday’s playing music and making announcements came over the loud scratchy speaker “Ok kids, it’s time for snow ball, girls on the left and guys on the right! You know the drill, once around then rink and then grab a new partner”. I nearly fell on my butt as the girls put away their lip gloss and ran screaming out of the bathroom to line up against the wall. I hated snow ball. It was my most dreaded part of the night, I like shoot the duck or fast skate, those only took skill.

Kid

Snow ball took coolness and being pretty and thin. It was kind of a stupid name, I always thought, because it made no sense at all. Now that I am an adult, I think some sick 40 something dude made it up and laughed hysterically at these unknowing teens happily running out to participate in “snow balling” each other. Ew. I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about that and the scent from the rink came rolling back to me. Anyway, here I am on the wall of shame waiting for anyone to ask me to skate but even the dirty stinky boy passes me up for the girl next to me who puts out her hand without extending her arm and making a face like she was sucking on a lemon. Even the stinky boy passed me up. The runt had already been around the rink with three boys as I stand pathetically against the now empty girl side wall. I think about skating back to the benches, where at least I can appear not to care with the other SMART rejects that didn’t even attempt to stand on the wall. The runt comes over and does some fancy toe turn to rest up against the wall next to me since she was so tired after skating with so many boys. Bitch. Anyway, she goes “Why haven’t you skated with any boys” and I’m like “I dunno, maybe I look silly in my knee high socks, like maybe they only look cool when you’re not in roller skates, or maybe I should have smelled like men have been all over me or maybe…” she finally looked over at me and took a break from making google eyes at the boys passing by. She tilted her head smacking her gum and chewing like a new born cow.

She looked absolutely puzzled by what I was saying and I thought perhaps I needed to explain further my concern with my knee high socks, but she looks at me and starts talking so I don’t get the chance, “If you think you’re pretty, you’re pretty” she said in a high pitch squeal before skating off with boy number four. I felt like I had been hit with a sludge hammer. I repeated what she said to me, out loud, as she faded into the dark strobe lights of the romantic snow ball skate. “If I think I am pretty, I am pretty?” I asked out loud. What the hell does that mean? What do my socks and my scent have to do with how pretty I am? Until that moment it actually legitimately didn’t occur to me that anything like that would factor into how pretty I was. Not only did these things not factor in, but being pretty never even really occurred to me. Like, sure the boys weren’t asking me to skate, but it legitimately never occurred to me that it had anything to do with whether I was pretty or not. So, I rolled my silly socks down, turned my back to the rink and decided I was pretty. I decided I thought I was pretty that night, then I didn’t care if anyone asked me to skate. It’d just discovered this major secret, that I was pretty. So, I starred at the wall through the whole Whitney Houston song and counted the lines, for each line I repeated, “I’m pretty”. Seriously, I was 10 and this actually happened.

So, here I am feeling really good about myself and doing positive affirmation (before I knew what that was) and do you know what happened? Actually. Nothing. No one asked me to skate, but I strolled off that skate deck like I was a model on a run way and I did not give a shit. That felt really good. So, maybe it didn’t matter if a boy asked me to skate. In fact, I didn’t even bother getting up for the next “Snow Ball” skate. I waited until the skilled skating challenges and I won a trophy. I wish I could say that night changed my life. I wish I could tell you I didn’t struggle with eating disorders or seeking unhealthy attention, but I can’t. All I can say is, when I think back on that night, I think about the life long struggle I have had to get where I am today and that is empowering. One day, I hope I can meet a frizzy red headed slightly overweight tragically fashioned challenged very loud and awkward little girl and tell her “own that shit”. Because one day, none of this will matter and the fact that you are brilliant like no other will matter. I’ve had my fair skates with boys now that I am an adult, and it’s not all that great. Although, the affirmations followed me through life, so I guess I have something to thank that little smells like lots of men runt for.

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Take A Compliment. Because It Was GIVEN to you.


I kicked ass today. I got up in front of a room full of people gave a presentation on a topic I don’t even fully understand myself and kicked ass. Afterwards, I had several people come up to me and compliment me on my vast knowledge on the topic in such a short period of time and professional presence. I work with some really smart people. Smarter than a lot of people. I work with doctors and scientist and engineers. I should have been totally stoked to get those compliments from such a group amazing intellectuals. I should have known myself that walking into a room with minds like that and impressing them was a huge feat. You know what I did instead? I shrugged it off. I got insecure. I joked. “Oh, I was faking it most of the time” or “did you really not notice I had no idea what I was talking about!? Whew!” and “well, I’m not curing cancer like you guys, but I get something once in a while”.

As I’m batting these compliments off like mosquitos it suddenly occurred to me that I’ve been encouraged to be modest my entire life by society. We’ve been taught that it’s not lady like to take a compliment. Think about the movies: “Wow, that sure is a nice dress” to which the young lady would reply “Oh, this old thing”? Now, I am curious, what about not taking a compliment makes you modest? I think it actually makes you slightly rude and annoying. Just keep in mind that I am talking about my most recent actions too before you get defensive. We’re just dissecting this thing together. So, I thought about when I give someone a compliment, women in particular and I thought about how they react. For example “wow, have you lost weight? You look amazing in that outfit!” to which the reply was, “no and I really need to loose like 10 pounds, you haven’t seen me sit down in this, my stomach just rolls up and it looks awful. Watch I’ll show you”. She was so determined not to take a compliment she even took physical action to show me wrong. It felt like she didn’t hear me or maybe she just couldn’t. Either way, I found myself feeling awkward and at a loss of what to say next. The conversation is different when someone takes the gift of the compliment you have given them. For example “Wow, you did such a great job on that project” to which they replied “Thank you, I worked really hard on it”. That was a smooth conversation that ended with a smile instead of a confused look wondering what to say next.

You see, the thing about compliments is that they are given to you. You are supposed to graciously accept them not refuse them. They are gifts, that is why they are given and not just stated. Have you ever heard the phrase “paid you a compliment”? That’s because they feel you are “worthy” of receiving it, they are recognizing your worth and therefore paying you a compliment. You in turn are supposed to accept this for a job well done. You wouldn’t turn your check back into your boss insisting that you were not worth the pay, you should not give their paid compliments back either. So, now that I have caught myself I have made an active effort to grit my teeth and reply to my compliments with a Julia Roberts smile and a great big confident “thank you!”. I hope that you will join me in accepting the recognition of others and in congratulating yourself on your own self-worth. Otherwise, you’re just making everyone stand around awkwardly trying to figure out what to say next. Because ultimately, confidence is always sexier than meek modesty any day.

Accept The Fact You’re Already Dead


already-deadimages

You have already begun to die. At this moment you’re closer to death than you are to life. Each and every day you die a little more. Perhaps you should just accept the fact that you’re already dead. When sick patients receive the news that they are terminally ill with limited time to live, suddenly the world becomes their playground. Sometimes, they even have their wildest dreams granted. Do you think that is because they have accepted the fact that they are dying? I recently read somewhere that this reaction is a direct result of our ego taking a back seat for once in its life. Suddenly, keeping up with the Jones’ isn’t the priority. Driving the nicest car and wearing the latest fashions lose their luster and their meaning. Things like family and adventure, true soul searching take up the driver seat. Ironically, this is how we should be living the remainder of our lives on a daily basis.

This isn’t a new concept, right? I mean it’s been done before, psychologist have pondered this for years. I know, you’re sitting there saying to yourself “yea, but I have responsibilities and I can’t just abandon it all to live a care-free lifestyle”. So, I guess then you just accept the fact that you’re already dead?  Which means, that you are missing all the in between stuff. Just because you live life to the fullest, doesn’t mean you have to abandon “responsibility”. Everyone has a different version of happiness, I am simply suggesting that you find yours. Maybe happiness to you is being the CEO of a company or maybe it’s traveling the world with nothing you can call your own except your name. There is no right or wrong, but something must be done. If not, life becomes a series of “have to’s”. Obligations and responsibilities that we all have to do. Let me ask you this, if you’ve accepted the fact that you’re already dead and succumbed to life’s many demands, why have you chosen to create hell as your final resting place instead of heaven? Why have you chosen to be miserable instead of happy? This is a choice people. There are many people all around the world that have much less than we do that have grasped this reality and chosen to mold it into a heaven instead of a hell.

Any of you that have read my past posts or know me personally know that I am not an advocate for organized religion. I’m simply using the concepts of “heaven” and “hell” because they are easy for everyone to relate to. One of the reasons I have kept organized religion at bay in my life is because I strongly feel that guilt, repression and judgment are a huge part of most of those “houses of God”. I think that God, if he truly existed in the form that is being taught in our churches, would be appalled by the misinterpretation of “his word”. Anyway, that is another rant for another day. Today’s message, should you choose to take it for its grain of salt, is that you can choose your heaven and you can choose your hell here on earth. If you subscribe to the belief that everything is made up of the same energy then you’ll agree that really, they are all the same thing. You just have to decide which vibration you want to be a part of. Perhaps that’s why they call it a “higher” vibration or a “higher” IQ or a “higher” bank account. Really, we all just want to get high. You have the power to be at a higher vibration in life if you want to be. If everything feels like it’s falling apart and life has become too much, ask yourself why. I’d be willing to bet many of those reasons would relate to the expectations of society or others around you that you have put on yourself. We were not meant to carry the burdens of obligations to our religions or our peers or even our family. We were meant to create love and abundance for the world. If we all start focusing on that and stop focusing on guilt and the need to be outwardly “successful”, what do you think that world would look like? All those people you are trying so desperately to please, will start to reflect this back to you. You are your own worlds mirror.

So, consider this your notice of terminal illness. Because, honey, I hate to break it to you, but you’re not going to be the one that gets out alive. Take your dream trip, fall in love, follow all of your dreams. Put away the judgment of others and watch how fast others drop the judgments of you. More to the point, who cares? This is your life and you only get one shot in your current form. You can have all that you dream of, but you must first dare to dream. We were not put here in this form to live life just enough. We have been given the gift of free thought and each of us has the ability to use that tool to our advantage. Choose to believe that. Every limit that you have put on yourself, every insecurity and doubt is yours alone to own. Put your ego in the back seat and start steering your life based on how you want to feel and where you want to go. It’s a lifelong practice that will ebb and flow but you can start by taking the chances that you have the privilege to take.  If things start to look bleak, start appreciating those little things you take for granted. I mean, all the little things your take for granted! I love to travel and that is certainly a good way to remind all of us in the US how lucky and spoiled we are on a daily basis. You don’t have to feel bad about that, but I’d encourage you to be thankful for it!

We have not been programed mentally our entire lives to think this way. We have been programed to believe the we are not good enough and that what others think of us is very important. Therefore, our ego tends to take the driver’s seat more often than not. I always think of my ego as a whiney little boy barley able to touch to gas and the break. Peaking over the steering wheel, crashing into things, leaving me with bruises and scars. He’s up there saying “are were there yet? Why aren’t we there yet? Sallie got there yesterday and now we are behind”. Remember that your ego is your small child and they need to be disciplined. So, tell them “take a back seat kiddo, I’m taking back control”. You wouldn’t let your five year old drive you around all day would you? Then why are you allowing your ego to?

The only thing standing between you and your dreams is you.

Gym Wars – Continued


A man clearly invented these spandex work out pants that slide on as easy as a second skin laced with sand paper. I probably look like some kind of ape with my elbows pointing in and out attempting to squeeze my ass into the tiny black hole that is spandex. Typically, I would wear my most baggy covered up clothes to the gym with a cap and hope not to be noticed. Maybe I thought the extra exposed wobbly bits would encourage me to work just a bit harder. Instead, I felt myself continuously checking for a camel toe before bravely and finally leaving the woman’s locker room. I quickly tune into my gangster rap so I can build the confidence to walk the 20 steps to the nearest elliptical. I’m cut off by another determined woman, clearly more comfortable with the concept of a camel toe, and I wonder if that super power is what made her just a tad bit more speedy than myself. Panicked, I look around for a suitable machine that is comparable to that of the elliptical, which is really the only gym machine I know how to successfully use without looking like a complete idiot. I jump onto the curious looking machine directly next to her in a unnoticed attempt to say “this is actually what I meant to do, so there”. I painfully try to work this machine similar to the way that an elliptical works, but quickly realize though they are close in appearance they are not in the way that they move.

I’m not even sure what the hell this machine is. It takes strides but also teeny tiny little steps, my guess is to work your calves? I’m desperately trying to coordinate my body on this awkward beast when I see the reflection of two gym employees standing behind me appearing to be gawking at my spandexes ass becuase by this point it’s clear that they own me. My initial thought is to tighten my buns and straighten my back like a proud ostrich, I guess so as not to look saggy and old in my new found work out clothes. However, I am sure it translated more like the desperate mating call of a cat in heat arching her back and making that terrible sound, which is the sound I am convinced I must make moving in these pants. I’m squeezing my eyes closed hoping my Jedi mind tricks will kick in and sway their gaze elsewhere. Suddenly, I have a dreadful thought that perhaps they are in fact gawking at something appalling. Just then, I feel something inside my spandex scratching my rear up and down and I swear to myself if I’ve torn these horrible pants down the rear I’ll never return to this gym. So, here I am with this critical dilemma. Firstly, Pandora finally stopped playing commercials and started in with a dope Bone Thugs song which is just ghetto enough to bob too, but not so much that I feel like a bad person. Second, I have promised myself that I would spend at least 40 minutes on this stupid machine and there are 10 minutes left to go. Third, am I supposed to be wearing underwear with these things?

I can pull off 10 more minutes, that’s like 1 and a half gangster rap songs. The scratching intensifies and I pull my tank top down low in an effort to conceal any exposed skin that may or may not have occurred. I try to calm myself reminding my head that I am new to the world of spandex and perhaps they all just feel a bit airy. The staring continues followed by some pointing and arm punches back and forth. The clock isn’t moving “oh please just let this be over” I think to myself in an effort to calm my wobbly legs. At 8.5 minutes left, I finally give up, knowing that I still have to walk over, grab a sanitizer wipe and walk back all with the possibility that I am giving out way more than this crowd paid for. I keep my head down during the journey holding the false sense of security of a 5 year old and in my head chant that if “I can’t see them, they can’t see me, nah nah nah”! Wiping the machine down with the speed of light I run through the gym, past the gawking men and down the long flight of stairs. Cooley, I check my rear in the mirror relieved that there has been no tear, but realize my tags were in fact still attached and had been rubbing and poking out causing the airy sensation. I shower and change feeling pretty good that the gawking was probably more in a flattering way than anything that was humiliating.

Reaching the top of the stairs feeling triumphed and hot I see said employees exchange the same arm punch. Just before I return my ears to the sounds of gangster rap bliss, I over hear one of them state “I told you, next game was mine, now you owe me $50”. I stumble towards the front door and in the confusion catch a glimpse of my abandoned elliptical and then just above it where the football game had been playing. Well, I guess matters could have been worse. Much worse…..

Deep lessons Concealed


Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it – Echart Tolle 

I try not to focus on the negative aspects of my life. I try to take deep breaths mediate and send loving energy out to the world. I try to send loving energy to those that are not giving me the same respect. I’ve learned a few hard lessons over the past few months.

1.) When your mother told you to just “ignore it” when girls at school were being catty towards you and they would stop, she lied…. it didn’t work then. It still doesn’t work.

2.) You cannot jump into a friendship as an adult the same as you could as a child. You have to ease into the process and really get to know others true colors…. or you will find them out too late. 

3.) Some girls never grow out of catty, jealousy or revenge. You have to be the bigger person, even if you draw blood biting your tongue.

4.) Sometimes being the bigger person, get’s you into more hot water. While others are busy discussing you, and you’re refusing the discuss anything, I guess it’s human nature to listen to the one talking. Even if it’s ill intended. 

5.) Those that cannot make up their own minds, will allow others to make it up for them. Even with little or no evidence of the accusations. This is why our judicial system is so broken.

6.) If someone thinks something you’ve written, said or thought is about them…….they have a guilty conscience……………(A Good friend pointed this out to me the other day, wow so true!) 

7.) It’s OK To go on a totally negative rant on your otherwise ZEN blog when you’ve reached your wits end.

8.) It’s OK to decide someone isn’t a good fit in your life. You can still pick your friends even if you can’t pick their noses. Pick carefully or you might draw blood. 

9.)  I’ve always subscribed to quietly and gracefully exiting a relationship and I still will.

10.) When you’re getting married, you should be allowed to talk about it all the time. You should be able to complain about the 18 different dresses that were all wrong and every single annoying and ridiculous detail of it. Your friends should smile and nod and smile and nod until you have no more talking about wedding in you. You should be able to have little to nothing else to talk about until it’s all said and done.  It’s a right of passage as a good friend. We all have to do it and we should all secretly love it when we truly are a good friend. 

11.) Life is busy and complicated. All the time, it’s up to you to decide what is important to take up that time.

12.) At the end of the day you still have try not to focus on the negative aspects of your life. Try to take deep breaths mediate and send loving energy out to the world. Try to send loving energy to those that are not giving you the same respect. Learn a few hard lessons over the next couple of months.

Make Lemonade


One thing people tend to forget in life is that not everything is about them, in fact nothing is, it’s only the way you feel about it which makes you take it personally. Even the way someone is acting towards you or a current circumstance really has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with that persons own experiences and interpretations and your feelings towards the situation. Most of society has not learned the skill of controlling their emotions and are therefore are in fact controlled BY their emotions. The way that you “feel” really has very little to do with the person or situation you believe is causing you to feel that way. It’s your choice to make a situation whatever it is and you have the power to change it.

I was recently traveling in Hawaii and feeling a bit down because my Fiance had been on a business trip there that I had tagged along on. Granted, I should have been prepared to spend a significant amount of time alone due to his work responsibilities, but alas I still whined “there is nothing to do by the time you get off, we haven’t done anything!” It hit me then, that yes WE had not been able to do anything that was worthy in my opinion of a vacation adventure, but that was not his fault. I still had myself to blame for letting time pass idle. Even though truth be told most people would have been perfectly content lounging about the beautiful beach of Waikiki and here I was complaining about being lonely. By the second day, I realized how silly I had been allowing these feelings of fear and self pity overwhelm my time in this beautiful place, even alone! I decided to take matters into my own hands and ventured off by myself. I found a sailing trip for only $20 by chance and hopped on board with a boat full of strangers! A wonderful couple from Vancouver shared their beer with me and I learned so much about their lives. What an amazing thing they had done, moving all the way from Korea to Vancouver learning the language and cultural differences along the way!  Had I decided to let my emotions get the better of me I never would have had such a wonderful encounter.

I ventured off to the zoo next and was in awe of the difference in the experience of being with the animals solo. It was a week day so there were few people walking around and I had the opportunity to sit individually at each exhibit, quiet and study the animals. With no pressure to rush and no other obligations, I took advantage of my time to sit and spend significant time at each station. I saw couples and families walk by, hastily peering into the exhibit for a few minutes, shrugging at the lack of animal presence and walking away. I’d smile and chuckle to myself as the leopard would poke his head above the rock once all motion ceased on the outside. I wonder if he felt relief to be seemly alone again and had to laugh at my own resistance to that very same gift.

Leopard

I watched him for quite some time, having off and on staring contest as if trying to read the others thoughts. At one point a rather loud and rambunctious crowd drew with children and their yelling parents. The children would whistle and make loud roaring sounds towards the leopard. Slowly and reluctantly he pulled himself two by two to all four feet. He yawned and climbed onto the rock closest to the bench I perched on, now surrounded by yelling children. His face turned serious as he squatted then peered down at the children, all anxiously awaiting some remarkable act. The leopard had a bowel movement yawned and retreated back behind the rock. Wide eyed and shocked the children let out an enormous ripple of laughter as if this was some kind of deliberate comedy routine for their amusement. They trotted off happily exchanging gasp and laughter at one another.  “If a message was being sent at all”, I thought, “the joke was on them!” To me it seemed like a big “screw you for messing with my nap, take this human brats!” I let him sleep after that and moved onto the elephants.

The one afternoon that my fiance did have totally free we planned to go hiking. Based on the tip of another amazing person I met on my trip. She was a local coming home from LA and we struck up a conversation on the airplane, I was so inspired by her passions and plans for the future. She and her friend had been planning to open their own boutique in Hawaii. People that truly know their paths always fascinate me and I love learning about them. Upon walking to breakfast on this beautiful morning a sudden down pour hit and we knew hiking was too dangerous and out of the question. We talked over breakfast about all of the what if’s that could occur and decided it was too risky, but just as quickly dismissed all of those thoughts and figured even worst case wasn’t so bad. Since we were on a positive and somewhat dangerous train of thought, we decided to rent moped’s and cruise up to the hike in the rain.

Along the way, the down pour became so intense that our clothes were soaked through and we could barley see in front of us. We pulled over to the side of the road, but instead of discussing the obvious dangers and misfortunes of the weather we laughed so hard we cried. We climbed back onto the soaked leather seats and continued our trek. As it turns out, reading directions while driving a moped is not a very realistic feat. So, instead of heading to the hike suggested by my new local friend we found ourselves randomly at diamond head. Just as we made it to the top of the look out view, the rain ceased and the beautiful skies shown through. Most people would have chosen to let the rain get the better of them, they would have run back to their hotel news paper over their heads and waited it out. The fact is, a bad situation is only a bad situation if you decide that it is and allow it to be. Every moment in life, even death can be joyous and free. We all have a limited amount of time on this amazing earth in our current physical forms. It’s up to you to feel the best you can in all of those moments in your life, even the “bad” ones.  Choose to enjoy, choose to release situations that cause you grief and are out of your control, choose to be happy, choose to change, choose.

If you don’t add sugar to lemonade, it’s going to be sour.

Tiffany Grace: The Scandalous Sinterview


My Latest interview with Scandalous Women’s Magazine:  http://www.scandalouswomen.com/ 

She was the young girl who hated who she saw in the mirror, the awkward duckling who became the sexy confident swan. Silhouette Records recording artist Tiffany Grace knows what it’s like to be afraid. Growing up in an abusive environment, music was her filter and eventual savior. Now on the cusp of her second album and engaged to the man of her dreams, Ms. Grace is living the dream. She recently took time out from her busy schedule to discuss music, life and, of course, sex, with Scandalous!

SCANDALOUS: I see you’re getting married. Who is the lucky guy?

Tiffany Grace: We’ll just call him Mr. Devereaux.

SCANDALOUS: Sounds mysterious. How did you meet him?

Tiffany Grace: We actually met on E-harmony after I finally gave in to my mother’s relentless persistence on the matter. I was planning a 3 month trip through Europe to “find myself” and she was very apprehensive, I think she wanted me to find a “nice young man” and finally settle down in hopes I wouldn’t go on my trip. I met Mr. Devereaux the day after I called to cancel my subscription and was convinced to stay one more week. I actually did end up canceling my trip and moved in with my fiancé about 2 months after we met, it was pretty crazy.

SCANDALOUS: E-harmony should totally hire you as a spokesperson! So, how is he adapting being with someone with such an outwardly sexy image?

tiffany-fckng

Tiffany Grace: I think that he understands and appreciates my art. I’ve always had trouble with men in the past that were OK with it at first and then not so much once they saw me romping around with actor / model Jason E. Thomas in my music video Sleeping With The Enemy. My goal as an artist is to help woman embrace their sexuality within themselves and really get comfortable with their bodies and self image. If you notice, Jason and I never actually kissed or made any skin to skin contact. It may appear to have been so, but in fact it was just the illusion and I felt that made it much sexier. It was a last minute choice as Jason and I had practiced “the kiss” in the audition as a possibility. So, Mr. Devereaux didn’t come into the picture until after we shot the video and that might have helped! He sometimes doesn’t like to watch certain parts.

SCANDALOUS: You mentioned jokingly you’ve lost the most weight you ever have without sticking a finger down your throat. Do you have an eating disorder and can you offer advice to the young women reading this on such things?

Tiffany Grace: I am currently the healthiest I’ve ever been mind body and soul. I suffered from bulimia and anorexia for years after my father died. Women will describe the disorder as a sense of control and it is. I am 5’8 and I was 105 at my smallest. It was then that I was checked into the hospital and given an IV for dehydration. I gradually came to terms with my tarnished self image and slowly started the recovery process. It was painful steps that were taken to trick myself into eating properly again, smaller portions and lots of liquid fruit. This is going to sound crazy, but the best thing for young women to do would be mirror positive affirmations. Every day you look at yourself in the mirror and find one nice thing to say about your body. Start small; maybe “I have nice nails” or “I have nice hair” work up to looking at yourself naked and saying “My body is a perfect vessel.” After all, our physical forms are merely reflections of our mental state.

SCANDALOUS: Your last album, Naked Singularity, was very sexy and you seem to have projected a retro-image for yourself, one resembling the R&B divas of the 70s and 80s. Was that by design?

Tiffany Grace: Well, yes and no. I’ve always felt I was born in the wrong era and I’ve doted over artist from the 40s and 50s the most I think. I’ve always had what my mom likes to call “a wacky sense of style”. I think that the 70s and 80s part probably shines through from when I was a child. My influences are drawn from all over really and range from classical, blues and hip-hop. I’ve talked to some artist that won’t listen to any other music while in the writing and recording process. I’m exactly the opposite; I listen to everything I can get my hands on. I have an obsessive need to be different. I joke with my friends that in my world everyday is prom and god forbid I’m caught wearing the same outfit as another girl.

SCANDALOUS: Some of the music on that album sounds as though it came from a personal place, for example, Unbroken Soul. Have you ever had to escape an abusive relationship?

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Tiffany Grace: I grew up in an incredibly abusive family. All my life I resisted falling victim to the same as an adult. These things have a way of following you around when you try to suppress them instead of dealing with them head on. Abuse isn’t something that comes on right away, it’s a process that men take to slowly break you down. I was right smack in the middle of a verbally abusive relationship that gradually turned physical and ended when my EX ordered me out of his car, but purposely took off before I had fully exited, dragging me at 40 miles per hour through a graveled parking lot nearly 15 feet. Mind you, I was wearing a dress and suffered multiple wounds on my legs. I pressed charges and filed for a restraining order as all women should do. This is not a “class” issue, this happens to all women from all walks of life with varied levels of education and even privilege. It is not something to be ashamed of, it’s time to speak out on and join forces to educate on this dark matter. “Unbroken Soul” is not my favorite song, it’s written awkwardly, I’m singing while crying through most of it and it’s almost painful to listen to in many ways not just because of the content. I put it on the album despite all of this because this was my final insult. I think I knew he would hear it and that was the reason I put it on there. To say, I am not broken, you failed.

SCANDALOUS: That’s terrible. I think there are many girls who can identify with controlling boyfriends and I’m glad you took action against him. A lot of women would have been afraid to. There was also the song I Want You Both. If I interpreted the words correctly, it’s about trying to carry on a relationship with two men at once. Was this something you experienced? How did it work out?

Tiffany Grace: Who hasn’t wanted to carry on a relationship with two men at once at some point in their life? There was a time in my life when I was dating several men at once. Men do this all the time; they call it the numbers game. Only they do it in hopes that one of us will eventually sleep with them. I did it because I wanted to experience different interactions with all different kinds of men. I dated men of all kinds of nationalities, religions, wealth and walks of life. My fiance would probably wince reading that. I was young and curious, at the time I really had no idea what I wanted in a partner, so I explored. I encourage all women to go through this at some time in their lives. Give yourself options; you have to know what you don’t want to appreciate what you do when you get it. Your sexuality is your secret weapon and if you ooze sexy but hold back, you can have any one of them whenever you decide to. If you ever in fact decide to! I found once you got to know most of them, the lust wore off fast haha.

SCANDALOUS: Scandalous readers would love to know – did you have them both at the same time in the bedroom?

Tiffany Grace: Yes, if you count the fantasy that the song was written after I experienced it on my own! I never had a ménage à trois in reality, but I think I’ve always been curious about it if not brave enough the pursue it! Any girl that says it hasn’t crossed her mind is lying! The other side of the song was also referring to two men that would have been perfect if they had parts of the other. So, in a sense I literally did want them both.

SCANDALOUS: You hear stories all the time about male musicians having a virtual buffet of women groupies. Do female performers like yourself have guys falling at their feet?

Tiffany Grace: I think that men like the idea of a performer in bed, maybe it’s an ego thing. There is something very mysterious and appealing to them about women that express power and independence. On the other hand, a lot of men will try to use your art as a tool to get into your pants. They will promise you the moon and the stars. Someone once told me “never take your money outside the club, it’ll never come back”. In other words, don’t date your fans and don’t date your creative partners. To answer your questions more bluntly, you certainly have lots of opportunities. I am not sure if that’s because I’m a musician or if I’m simply put in front of men more often!

SCANDALOUS: You come across as very sexually confident. Has that always been the case? Give us a story about when you may have been a little more awkward sexually.

Tiffany Grace: I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 16, I was incredibly awkward growing up. I always joke that I’m obsessed with fashion now because when I was a kid we were too poor to buy new clothes, so now I over compensate. I was the girl that wore a t-shirt in the pool completely ashamed of my body. I actually started keeping a “boy journal” of my continuous mishaps with men over the years. I was a living breathing real life Bridget Jones. I wrote my first entry at the age of 15 and I wrote all the way up until I met my fiancé. Growing up, sex wasn’t really a loving thing; I think I felt it was more of a duty. So, I grew up kind of dreading the entire process. I think I was 22 when I finally started to come out of my shell and realize that it was meant to be pleasurable for both parties.

SCANDALOUS: What does it take for a girl like you to get her freak on?

Tiffany Grace: This is going to sound like a cop out, but I am a sucker for witty conversation. Being that I do come across very confident, I think men are a bit intimidated by that. I used to have a friend that referred to me as “a bit of a handful” when describing me to potential dates she tried to set me up on. I thought of it as a kind of game with men, and more often than not they couldn’t keep up. Sometimes, I found someone that would rise to the challenge and that was always incredibly sexy. I think like most women, I appreciate the small things. Sometimes it’s just the way that my fiancé will kiss my neck, it always gives me goosebumps and other times it’s his look from across the room that makes my knees weak.

SCANDALOUS: You’re holding back because your fiance might read this, right?

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Tiffany Grace: Well, kind of. I wasn’t sure how far to take that question, but you’re a good reporter so you didn’t let me off the hook! haha Let’s see, recently we introduced a few toys that I purchased at a little boutique in Ventura with some girlfriends from my book club. Yes, I run a book club, but we’re not your average book club. We finished reading 50 Shades Of Greyrecently which if you have not read, I highly recommend. Most of us were like rabbits after reading it, great for relationships haha! I always felt I was a little more exploratory in the bedroom, totally open to porn or handcuffs, the typical girl thing, but the book really opened a whole new world.

SCANDALOUS: Yes, it is a very good book and it was surprising American women snatched it up in the numbers they did. How did you and your club react to it?

Tiffany Grace: Well, it’s a steamy story of an innocent virgin no less that starts a relationship with an older much more sexually experienced man. I’ll be the first to admit even I didn’t know what some of the sexual devices or methods in the book were. My book club decided that we would have a get together at a local boutique to gain more knowledge on the subject. We went over everything from lube to bondage. It was really entertaining and educational! I took home the vibrating panties and a gel, I guess you’d call it masturbator, for my Fiance. He loved both of them! I think it’s important to keep things spicy. Oh, and of course I do love my little maid outfit as well! My girlfriends and I will share with each other things we’ve tried too, one of my friends said “I loved the whip we got at the boutique, you guys want to try it!?” It’s fun to keep it a light subject, sex is a beautiful thing, we shouldn’t be ashamed.

So, yeah my fiance might blush when he reads this, but then again he might mount me! A healthy relationship needs a healthy sex life. It’s true, it’s just part of the reality. Sometimes I’m even blunt with him about it, I’ll say “are we having enough sex for you?”. It’s a regular ritual for us, sure, but you know sometimes it’s good to check in. So often people do not talk about what they need/want from each other sexually. I think this is what will cause resentment and cheating, I mean if you’re not getting what you need you’re going to get it somewhere! Sex with us is amazing, I orgasm every single time, but we talk really openly about it. He’ll just ask me if I like something, or what else I might want to combine or try. I mean, how many relationships have you been in where that happens? Our chemistry in and out of bed is fantastic, largely because I think our communication is so good. Wow, I guess I did want to elaborate on that after all!

SCANDALOUS: That’s fantastic. Great advice. So, you have a new album coming out. Tell us what we can expect from it?

Tiffany Grace: On this EP, I am going to take an entirely different approach. I think that it will be a softer side that I’ve not expressed as an artist yet. I cannot escape the edge that my voice projects, but I think this will give my fans a little more insight into my world. Also, I’m going to get back to my musical spoken word a little more on this project. I didn’t include The One That Got Away on my last album as I wasn’t sure how it would be received. (You can hear and download that track free here)  The feedback I got was that fans wanted to hear more of this kind of thing, so I’m going to give it to them! Since the debut album I received lots of constructive feedback and a little bit of heart breaking feedback too! That’s how you grow as an artist, so I took that to the studio and we’ll see what kind of reaction I get.

SCANDALOUS: Thank you Tiffany and good luck with your marriage and career. We can’t wait to hear more from you.