My mind and I have a dysfunctional relationship, it is my invisible frenemy. At times, my mind will create wonderful things, have the best of intentions and share wisdom. My mind can be beautiful. Other times, my mind is an abusive relationship from which I am quite literally unable to free myself of. My mind will beat me down emotionally and physically with exhaustion from the berating that can last the night long.
I have studied different methods of mediation and worked towards inner peace to quiet my mind for years. At times, if I have not broken any of my own “rules” there may be weeks at a times that I am quite friendly, even BFF’s with my mind. Today is not one of those days. Today the chatter is winning. The disease of self doubt and insecurities is about to cross the finish line in record time. Why? Maybe it’s because I’m out of practice on my meditation or I’m ignoring the true callings of my soul which is rebelling like a teen or a toddler having a total and complete public meltdown. The kind that makes you feel like a bad parent. Have I neglected my inner child and soul to the point of disarray? Perhaps my mind is manifesting all of this anxiety and guilt and shame to will me into the “right” direction.
Outwardly, I would be considered quite successful. I make a good living, I own a home, I am debt free, I travel the world, I have a wonderful marriage, I am a good upstanding citizen god damn it. My mind is not having that today, no, my mind says “not good enough”. I wonder, what would be good enough for my mind, my ego? intellectually, I realize how absurd this is, but emotionally it’s rational to me on days like today. On days like this, my emotions own me. I am unable to convince myself of what I know to be true, that my emotions are simply a symptom that I am able to overcome, but not today.
So, I say to my mind and my irrational ego on this day, you win. I will let you have this day. I will give into the caving chest and nauseous knots in my stomach. I will feel the heart burn and the shortness of breath fully. I will not tamper with the minds will to bring me to my knees on this day. Tomorrow, my dear mind, is mine. Tomorrow I will begin my breathing, meditation, yoga, chanting, singing you back into submission. Just not today as I wave the white flag of surrender. I am oddly comforted by this complete humility.