This morning a read an article by Suzannah Scully that really hit home for me. Lately, I have been feeling this big dark space inside myself and I am not sure what to fill it with. When I tell people that I have an amazing job that I hate, they think it’s simple to reply “then do what you love”. For some reason what I love is harder to do than one might think. It’s not harder in the sense that it’s particularly hard to achieve, that might be true too, but I think it’s harder because it’s so close to me. I’ve been struggling to pin point why this is and where this is coming from. I’d tell friends and family that I knew I wanted something, but I just didn’t know what it was. They would encourage me to pick my music back up or write the book I’ve been meaning to for years and I would shake my head “no, no it’s not that it must be something else, something I will actually be successful at”.
After my book club finished reading “Madly Chasing Peace” by Dina Proctor, we were graced with an in person visit to talk about the book. This turned into a round table of questions that eventually lead into creating your own universe and our own personal beliefs and experiences. I remember feeling so vibrant and excited when discussing these concepts that I love! At the end of the discussion I thanked Dina and briefly mentioned that I was struggling with what I am “meant” to do and that I had been meditating on it to no avail. Dina teaches a 3X3 method where she outlines how you can strengthen your mediation by practicing the skill for 3 minutes 3 times a day. I remember she asked me “what makes you feel good, how did you feel when you were doing music?” I felt this serge of discomfort bubble up into my chest and I waved off the suggestion like it was completely outrageous. She then said “sometimes it’s just a matter of getting out of your own way”. At the time I thought I understood this statement, but now I know I didn’t until today.
It wasn’t until reading the article by Suzannah that I had this truly A-ha moment when I realized what the discomfort was, I was resisting. The article details an episode of Super Soul Sunday where Oprah Winfrey was interviewing Steven Pressfield on his latest book “The War Of Art“. She goes on to explain the premise of the book and the interview. Which I will not attempt to do because she had written it so eloquently I simply could not compete and I highly suggest the read. However, the one line that hit me like a ton of bricks was “When I heard Steven say that the more important an activity is to our soul’s evolution, the more resistance and fear we will fear, I knew exactly what was happening to me. Every fiber of my body is trying to stay in my comfort zone.” Oh, My God. That was me! I mean that is exactly what I have been trying to explain to myself and anyone else that would listen.
So, now I have the explanation. Now I know what this uncomfortable feeling is whenever I start out to tap into my creative side that I love and loath so much. I think what I have discovered from this epiphany is that I simply need to start something. Perhaps it will lead me into another career path that I hadn’t thought of or perhaps it will simply fill the empty space enough to feel whole again. Either way, the message is ACT. All this time I felt I would be completely happy just to obtain financial stability and to a point I was. It fed my desire to travel and opened opportunities that had not be available to me in past careers. Although, the longing was still there. The sense that something was missing still seems to bubble to the top.
I’ve decided that if I am feeling resistant towards something, I should try to pursue that very thing. I’ve always loved being a recording artist, but the stage was for the birds. I resisted this so much because it was totally out of my comfort zone. I liked keeping my head down in the studio and having complete control over the outcome. I will actively set out to correct this and see where it takes me. Perhaps, I am meant to be on stage or perhaps I am meant to get other people there. What I do know, is that I am not done exploring the idea. I will start the book that gives me great discomfort to even admit to in writing. It’s time to move towards the resistance with equal and greater force. What are you resisting?