Relationships Are Easy ? Fight Or Flight


All of my life I have been told how much “work” relationships are. That it’s constant compromise and doubts. I even once dated a guy that SWORE it was impossible to be faithful in a relationship. It wasn’t my finest moment, I’ll admit.  Actually, that moment lasted more like 4 years of constant back and forth in and out of “love”.  It wasn’t until my late 20’s that I started to revise my perspective on relationships. Up until now, everyone was right. Relationships were hard, it was constant compromise and mainly on my part. There were couples counselors, advice from peers and even older father figures in my life that tended to pipe in on the situation.

Years and  years past in this same fashion and all the while I knew that it was “worth it”. Every time, I was just sure that this one would be worth all the trouble, all the long arguments and all tears. This one I would stick it out with and eventually we’d live happily ever after. Then one day, after my last messy break up, that ended in a restraining order, it occurred to me that in fact everyone was wrong. I suddenly had this amazing epiphany that not only was everyone wrong, but they were all in with the wrong person! I’m convinced this is why our divorce rate remains so high. If you’re with the wrong person, then so are they and you’re both depriving the right person of being with either of you and therefore they are in fact also with the wrong person! I actually spoke this aloud and ran out of breath before I reached the last person. Who started this vicious rumor that then started this vicious cycle?

Could it be the religious groups with their sexual guilt and repression? Perhaps, they were all getting married to warrant sex and by then it was too late to get out. Because you know god won’t love them anymore and all that drama. Perhaps it was the psychologist conspiring against the concept of love in order to continuously be needed by those with wounded childhoods recalling having experienced first hand two people not meant for each other. Whatever the case may be, the fact remains that human beings are convinced that in order to give and receive love you and they must suffer.

It’s been drilled into us so badly, that sometimes we do in fact find the right person, the yin to our yang and we begin to question it. We think to ourselves “where is the spark? Where is the excitement?” All of our romantic comedies and even the fairy tales we’ve grown up with teach us that the road to love is a long and dramatic one. That only with terrible pain and experiences will we find our happily ever after.  I like to blame all the Disney Princesses for my love mishaps.

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The truth is, relationships are actually pretty easy. They are fun and exciting even when you’re just doing the boring stuff. When you’re with the right person, they just flow naturally with all the vibrancy and energy of a perfectly working river. However, in the beginning of every relationship there is that pivotal moment of  drama. That moment that we all dread that we all create because of the crap we’ve been fed all our lives. It’s in that moment when you need to ask yourself “has it been easy so far”? I think this is the most important thing you can ask yourself honestly in this moment. When it seems everything is falling apart and the relationship could be ending, the only way to know if this is TV and society influenced necessary drama, is to ask how easy it’s been so far.

Do you struggle to find common ground? Does your sex life really suck? Do you really have to try to get through a day without arguing? It might be time to let go. Don’t be afraid of letting go. The woman down the street that’s been single for the last 10 years with 50 cats has made that choice. Maybe she picked wrong one too many times or maybe her right person is still with the wrong person. On behalf of all the crazy cat ladies and drunken fools please for the love of love, stop being with the wrong person. It just is not that hard. So, stop listening to your miserable parents or your miserable married friends and remind yourself that relationships are easy. When they are right, they are easy.

So, ask yourself….Is it time to fight or flight?

Because as it turns out, you CAN fit a round peg into a square hole, but why bother?

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Yoga By The Sea & The Practice Of Life


Recently I’ve taken to Yoga as it’s in direct correlation with my new spiritual path. Well, technically not so new path as I’ve been on it for some time now I suppose. I like Yoga because it’s OK to suck at it. The instructor is constantly reminding me that it is the “practice” of Yoga and not the “master” of Yoga. I find this tremendously agreeable given my complete lack of coordination and flexibility.

Lately, I’ve been thinking that perhaps I have been trying far too hard in my life to “master” as opposed to “practice”. I’ve always had big ambitions and dreams, but when they didn’t turn out the way I planned, I’d blame myself and suffer tremendous guilt. Granted, I tend to bite more off than most people when it comes to undertaking goals. For example, my wedding, it couldn’t just be an ordinary white dress and church. Of course, I had to take things to a new level with a black wedding dress and a chic outdoor vintage picnic style reception. I found myself panicked the other night thinking this would be either a magazine worthy event or a complete disaster depending on how I go from my head to reality on this crazy plan.  I find myself on the border of chic and tacky a lot of the time.

Instead of letting life play out in a fun and chaotic fashion, I’ve taken to trying desperately to control the details. Meticulously playing each moment of  interactions, planning and my future with every word and action. I worry myself to death about how someone might have taken something I said or where my career, or lack of, will land me. Just like the wedding, I stay up fretting the small stuff endlessly. It becomes quite tiresome working towards perfection that realistically cannot be met. Will my guest notice that my napkins are one shade lighter than the blankets? Probably not. Will they embrace my crazy picnic idea and dance under the stars? Well, I really do not know, but I suppose sometimes you just have to have faith in the abilities of your friends and family to deal with it.

During my meditation time after Yoga I pondered the “practice” concept and have decided that I will begin to “practice” my endeavours in life instead of trying to “master” everything I encounter. After all, it’s not a competition because in the end none of us makes it out alive and therefore none of us is really winning in the game of life. It’s time to cut ourselves some slack on the details and let some things fall through the cracks. Life is simply too short to try to please everyone. At some point we have to let these fears go and begin to enjoy the practice of life.

Yoga By The Sea

In my younger years, I found myself troubled even more so by the worry of day to day details. In order to clear my mind and fall asleep at night, I would imagine a blank white wall. There is nothing written on the wall and the wall is endless. There is no sound in the white room, everything is still and clear. When my mind started to write things on the wall or post photos, I knew it was time for a new tactic. Suddenly, my white walled quiet sanctuary was slowly becoming a cluttered facebook styled collage.

I started listening to the gentle sound of a soft fan before bed. I take a deep breath and focus on only the sound of the fan, once I have that in my mind I focus on the cold air on my arms and the softness of the sinsation until I drift off to sleep. I’ve found doing this before bed really helps me to clear my mind. Sometimes, people accuse me of not dealing with my feelings or recognizing how things are affecting me. I find that our minds and emotions are incredible things. I’ve saved thousands of dollars on therapy by letting my subconscious mind work those issues out on it’s own in my dreams. Crazy as it may sound,  this is an amazing way to heal and we don’t even have to try.

So, the next time I have a minor freak out about how to display the seating chart, I will take a deep breath and remember that I am still just “practicing”. I have my whole life to learn and relearn and teach. So, I will embrace the challenge of imperfections in my world.

PS: If you made it this far, you’re probably sick of “quotes”. Now go back re-read and imagine I am air quoting all of those. You’re welcome.