Next year I am getting married and turning 30, so basically my life is over. As I wrote that I took a deep breath and exhaled hard. I think it’s the first time I’ve admitted to myself, and now I guess millions of people, that it feels that way. Let me break this down for you. I am in an amazing relationship and I have never been happier. I have the kind of partnership in my fiancee that most women only dream of and I am incredibly lucky. I finally learned to appreciate the nice guy in my old age. In addition to that, I work for a large multi billion dollar company making what most would consider a comfortable living. My company, which will remain nameless, has a campus that is comparable to a university only better. On your lunch break you can take a stroll through the gardens and listen the the soft trickles of waterfalls throughout the entire grounds. Along that walk you will encounter a full length soccer field, basketball court, volleyball court and a full gym including sauna, jacuzzi and steam room. So, what am I bitching about, right?
All of my life I have had a longing for something. If you’ve read my past posts, you know I am a strong believer in manifestation and that I have it down to a science. I feel that I perfected my science of this during a particularly dark period in my life about two years ago. For example, I set out to find the perfect mate (my fiancee) after an incredibly abusive relationship that landed me in the hospital as a result of the EX. He had decided I was flirting with his brother in law at Thanksgiving dinner, no less (which if you knew me, you’d know was ridiculous) and in a fit of rage ordered me out of the car. Unfortunately, he took off before I had fully exited the vehicle dragging me through a graveled parking lot at 40 miles an hour for about 15 feet when I finally let go in spite of fearing the wheel would crush my head like a watermelon, more on that later. I seemed to be attracted to drama, but at the time I thought it was just “excitement” or at least it felt exciting.
Not to say that everything “exciting” in my life was a negative. Prior to “the incident”, as I’ve come to refer to it with the EX. I did grow some balls and dump his ass, before I took it back. However, in those brief few months of clarity I did everything right, I worked on myself. I worked on my album “Naked Singularity” (shameless plug, available on i-tunes). It was an amazing time in my life. I had complete control over one thing. I decided to forgo the bossy producers and even the band. Since I was limited in my own skills on production and instruments, I literally produced the entire album in Garageband. Hey, don’t laugh, fake it until you make it!
I had little to no money, but I pulled off an amazing music video “Sleeping With The Enemy” (shamless plug, available on http://www.tiffanygracemusic.com and youtube.com). I single handedly pulled off a professional video, photo shoot, website and album release for, get this, $200. Believe it or not, that includes feeding the crews, and a hotel room for the video shoot. It’s an impressive story that I’ll share with you later.
People want to get on board when they are confident in you. Maybe I wasn’t the best musician, but I had a vision and I think they all saw that. So, what happened? I sold out and took a day job paying a butt load of money (at least to me) because I’d started visualizing exactly what I wanted to make a year, and it dropped in my lap. Now we’re full circle on my last post about being specific in what you ask from the universe.
At this point in my life, I feel like I’m too old to be a rock star and too young to stay stuck in a miserable job just for the money. On the other hand, the fiance is already talking kids, which terrifies me to no end. If I have kids, then I’m really stuck in this place. No longer will my only worries be paying the utility bill on time and staying stocked up on top ramen. Suddenly, I will be responsible for keeping another human being alive and hoping I don’t mess them up too bad. No longer will I have the luxury of deciding to throw caution to the wind and try out the music industry for a while. I’m at the point in my life, where I need to decide what the hell I want to be when I grow up. Right?
Everything I have truly wanted, I have manifested and up until this point, I’ve always known what that was. I cannot tell you how frightening it is to feel like you’re in a dark tunnel and do not know where you’re going. You run your fingers down the damp walls and begin to think perhaps you have an idea. Could I be in a forest or under some kind of damm? You call out hoping for some kind of an answer, some kind of clue as to where you’re going. You’re answered by only your own echo; which infuriates you more because your questions are only answered back by your own questions.
Currently, I am meditating on this subject. In my professional role, I feel like I’m just wasting my talents and every day the tunnel gets darker. I know that I could create whatever I want, but what I cannot seem to do is figure out what that is. What is my purpose here on earth in my physical body, what can I bring to humanity that will be remembered? I’ll let you know when I find out. For now, I’ll be open to suggestions and signs from the universe to help guide me. Beyond that, I suppose I’ll book some kind of extravagant trip in an “Eat Pray Love” attempt to find my true calling.